Wednesday afternoon I shook yet another anesthesiologists hand and then held Rileys as she got put under again. If you would’ve told me after the first or even second time that it’d be something I’d get used to I would have said you were out of your damn mind. How quickly she goes from awake to just gone in a matter of seconds at the hand of a stranger with access to her IV, the way her breathing instantly changes and the oxygen mask is hurriedly placed, the twitching that is followed by doctors reminding you “that’s normal, just the medication” and then they give you the “you have to go now” look and you do. At that moment it goes from feeling real to unreal. Your options…your world…everything is just suddenly so clearly out of your grasp. You look at your child and you leave.
So many times a day I want to grab her and run…take her far away…ok not too far…actually… maybe just back in time about 6 weeks where all was well. Where ignorance was bliss. Where she was a curious little thing who said “for real real?” as a response to half the things you told her…a feisty powerhouse who’d shoot her sister the side eye and firmly announce “Presley that is un-cceptable” when her way wasn’t gotten…a full blown bull in a China shop that seemingly nothing could hurt. A time where what we didn’t know wasn’t killing us. Now what we don’t know IS killing us. I don’t run. I can’t. I walk out of the room and I wait for answers at this point knowing they’re probably the ones I don’t want.
After I left her I walked past the gift shop and spotted a stack of Sees candy…I walked in bought a box and proceeded down the hallway tearing away the red wrapping and peeling off the top. No shame. I just shoveled Scotchmallow straight into my pie hole in the hospital hallway. Coping skills 101. Clearly I’m not the type to have a mild appetite during stress induced life cycles…that would be convenient for my figure but it’s just not the case. I ate my feelings one nut and chew at a time. In my angst I tried to soak up every minute of “adult” time…time that I wasn’t wrangling cords, entertaining, calming, changing, mothering. About an hour later I (along with my mom who was with me at that point) met the nurse back in the recovery room to wait for Riley to start stirring. The moment she started coming to she let out a big ol’ “I’mm Hunnnnnngggrrryyyyyy” That’s my girl.
The results of the CT came back that evening…there is some spotting/schmutz in her lungs. File that result in the “Answers We Didn’t Want” category. The hope is that it’s an infection or some residual inflammation. We’ve started a course of heavy antibiotics to treat our hopes and from there only time and another round of anesthesia for CT will tell.
Please continue to keep the love coming and never mistake my silence for anything other than having my hands full…with either our complicated girl or chocolate.
Go Riley Go.