My mind feels like popcorn…thoughts just popping around uncontrolled. Work…pop. Riley…pop. Insurance paperwork…pop. Playdate for Presley?…pop. What’s for dinner?…pop. When’s the last time I left the house?…pop. Oh shit am I about to cry?…pop. Yup…that’s a glimpse of 2 seconds in my brain. Maybe not even. And in true popcorn fashion my mind is often either burnt or a mess of unpopped/uncompleted thoughts in the form of kernels at the bottom of the bag. I am in a constant state of “pep-talk”…I’ve got little Dr. Phil versions of myself watching my every move, perched on my shoulders urging me to stay calm and just…be. Just move through the day. Why are you anxious? It’s just work. There is no emergency. My insides have not gotten the message. While performing seemingly mundane tasks like editing images (a big portion of my job) my heart races. Some days even if I am calm I feel like not only is there a MAJOR deadline at hand but that I am one minute away from it. All. day. I’m not. My boss is my best friend. She doesn’t put that kind of pressure on me. I recently made her painfully aware of what a hot mess I am (before I began making it public knowledge). She gets it. All the pressure comes from me, I realize that but I haven’t the slightest clue as to how I change that.
Hmm…how do I change that? All of the things I can think of that could help seem to take up time that I just don’t have. I’d love to be more of a runner, a better writer, a dedicated reader and a centered yogi but truth be told I am FORCING myself to dump my thoughts right now all the while thinking “you should be working, did you flip the laundry yet, you need to return the social workers call tomorrow, when’s the water bill due, you should’ve gone for a run instead of blogging then you’d be decompressing AND burning calories dumbass.” GAHHHHH! Step one: find the time. Rephrase that. Step one: MAKE the time. Step two: figure out how to get my brain to shut up! You should see me trying to relax, it’s comical. We have an amazing clawfoot bathtub that Chris almost nightly suggests I go soak in. I can’t. I can’t be that still, I’ll lose it. So stupid. Good thing it looks pretty since I’m not giving it the use it deserves. Maybe one day. Maybe I should make myself a schedule…Monday-write, Tuesday-run, Wednesday-read, etc…hmmm…I’m like a toddler…jeez maybe I should even make a freakin’ sticker chart, reward myself with gold stars for successful relaxation. We’ll see.
On another note…Easter weekend was great. Riley had her first big outing on Saturday filled with tons of toddlers dashing for eggs. That was a step for us. A big one. I went back and forth on whether or not to take her. I decided she’d missed out on enough holiday festivities this year that skipping the neighborhood brunch wasn’t going to be added to the list. She’d never seen so many kids…or so many adults for that matter (at least ones out of scrubs). Her eyes were wide and she was silent. I don’t think she made a single peep the entire 2 hour party. She just watched. Listened. Probably wondering to herself what the hell kind of procedure she was having done at this place. She spent most of her time in her jumper or my arms. Watching her be so calmly overwhelmed is interesting. Poor little girl. She’ll get there. Little by little we’ll venture out, get her accustomed to the big crazy world and maybe someday it won’t be so scary…for either of us. Sunday was quieter and much more her scene…she was very excited about her Easter basket and definitely more comfortable watching Presley seek out eggs solo in our backyard. It was so great to spend a holiday at home, all of us. It was the first one really. Valentines Day doesn’t really count…Hallmark made that crap up. All day I was so happy she was there, that she wasn’t spending another “first” in the hospital…it felt complete. Our home, our family, our Easter. Complete.
Thank you again so much for sticking with us, for falling in love with little Riley just as we did and encouraging healing not just for her but for myself as well. The emails, calls, texts, donations, meals…all of it never goes unnoticed. To those who I haven’t responded to personally yet…I’m getting there, I promise. xoxo
For those who would like to help in any way please follow the links below…as always email me with any questions. Rileyjanebrown@gmail.com
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