For the past week now I have been having an intense amount of anxiety…you know, that stomach in knots/300 pound woman sitting on your chest/oh my god whats about to happen feeling? Yeah…that. All. The. Time. I’m guessing that it doesn’t come as a huge shock to many…I mean there is a bit on my plate right now to contribute to feelings of nervousness but up until now I’ve been able to navigate my emotions seemingly well and keep myself on an even keel the majority of the time. Chris and I have talked it over trying to figure out what it is exactly that is causing me to feel so rattled and I’ll be honest going through the list of everything happening in our lives doesn’t exactly help the hamsters wheel speed in my gut. I’ve talked to our social worker (whom I adore) and suprise suprise she’s not suprised. It’s such a bizaare feeling because mentally I’m still Susie Sunshine and feel positive about everything but physcially quite honestly I think my body is telling me to fuck off. Bargaining with your gut is not an easy task…in fact I’m pretty sure it’s not possible…deep breathing, yoga, walks, hot tea, finding my freaking happy place…nothing is working. I just can’t shake it.
I know myself decently well and have definetly become WAY more in tune with how I feel about things over the past 4 months but I haven’t been able to figure this one out. Haven’t been able to “fix” it. Last night at about 3 a.m. I think I figured it out. It was a normal night at the hospital..right before Riley fell asleep (around 8ish) the nurse and I changed the dressing on her broviac, she woke up about 2:30 to eat and have bood drawn for labs, I took that opportunity to take the elevator down to the laundry and bump my wash over, on my way back there was a little boy probably about five being rushed on a gurney down to the PICU…as the blur of scrubs/doctors/and other franctic medical professionals flew past me in the halls it hit me. Reality slapped me across the face.This. Is. NOT. Normal. Nothing about ANYTHING that I just laid out is normal. I mean what were you doing between the hours of 8 p.m. and 3 a.m. last night? None of that, that’s for sure. My step-mom told me the other day that I needed to just let myself feel, that it’s a part of the process that I’m desperatly trying to skip. Whoops. Turns out this sucks. My physical body has officially told my positive attitude to pipe down for one hot minute and recognize the reality. Fingers crossed a little validiation of my inner turmoil will smooth my nerves. I hope this doesn’t give people the vision that I’m like curled up in a ball losing my shit and crying my eyes out here…I’m not. I promise. Have you seen my roommate?…she’s simply too cute for that to happen. 😉
Speaking of Riley…she is doing quite well. Cute as ever and has felt pretty darn good for about 3 days straight now. She did have a major puke explosion this morning…she guzzled four ounces and then looked at me and I swear was like “uhh…changed my mind I don’t want that, HERE YOU GO blahhhhhhh.” I’m hoping we’re done with that for the day, that it was a one time thing and not a first step into more formula fueled fun. We’ll see. The doctors don’t have much new news for me this week…they will be sending out her T-cell function test again on Monday and after that we just wait and hope that it’s trending upwards. They have began tossing around percentages of where they want the cell function to be before we go home and as soon as I know a bit more information and my heads wrapped around the reasoning I’ll pass that info along 😉 Send out lots of love and positive vibes our way…let’s hope Riley keeps feeling good and I find some peace in the present. xoxo
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